Answering Machine

by Ethan Cole



Sometimes I think that the answering machine is both the world’s greatest and most annoying invention rolled into one. When I am out and about and missing calls, the answering machine is my friend. When I am trying to reach someone and have to subject myself over and over again to hearing, “at the tone…” it is the world’s worst invention. I have to admit, the thing I hate most is answering machine messages that think they are funny when in truth they aren’t.
When I was in college I spent some time cold calling customers for a firm of stock brokers. During this time, I was subjected to a myriad of answering machine messages. One day I listened as the line clicked signaling someone had picked up the phone. I heard a female voice cheerfully say, “Hello?” and I started in on my spiel.

I was a good way into it when the voice began to mock me. “You actually thought I was home, but you are really talking to my answering machine. Leave a message.” I know that this person probably thought that they were extremely clever, but it took everything in me to leave a nice and professional message on their answering machine.
Another day I was subjected to an answering machine message that included at least ten minutes of introductions to every member in the family. What happened to the days of simple answering machine messages that informed a caller they had reached the Smiths, but the Smiths are not home?
Some people think that they need to spice things up on their answering machine messages. For some reason they must think that callers are so bored that they need a little fun added to their day. While this might be true in theory, most people have messages on their answering machine that no one else finds funny. Like the family that had their preschooler rap out an answering machine greeting. The first line was moderately funny, but six minutes into the answering machine greeting, things were a bit tedious.
The longer I worked cold calling clients, the more sure I was that I would stick to a generic greeting on my own answering machine. I did change my mind on my last day of work, when I called a family and heard the following message:
We are the Smiths and we are either not home, in the shower, or we are screening our calls because we don’t want to talk to you. So at the tone you can leave a message and we will decide if we really want to call you back. Thanks!”
I guess this is a family that really does believe that honesty is the best policy.

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